This was a gift from my internet friend Lisa. Please read about her journey at http://www.myhealingjourney.homestead.com/welcome2.html |
Before Darin proposed to me in June 1999, we had already discussed having children. I can remember him saying, "I want to be a Daddy." I know that may sound silly to some people, but I still love it when he says that. And, I know that if and when GOD decides to give us a child, he will be such a good daddy. We wanted to start a family right away, so we decided to stop using birth control in August. We assumed it would take a while to get pregnant since I was taking the pill. But, we were wrong. We were married on September 25, 1999 and I was pregnant by early November. We were so excited when we took that test and saw that pink line. Darin and I are close to both his family and mine, and when we told them, I think they were just as excited as we were. I called my OBGYN to schedule my first appointment and he said he wanted to see me when I was 8 weeks PG. The problems started before my first appointment. First, I started spotting, the doctors checked my HCG levels and they were not rising like they should have, and then the U/S. During the first U/S, we saw the sac and it looked good, but no baby. We had to wait a week to check again. The next U/S, showed progress. No baby, but the sac was growing. We were told we would have to wait another week. This was torture. I found myself crying on and off throughout this whole waiting ordeal. I was so afraid of losing this baby. Then, the bleeding and cramping came. I went to my doctor and he did another U/S and the sac was breaking up. I had lost my baby. He scheduled a D&C for that afternoon. I cannot describe the feelings I felt. Pain, disbelief, grief, and anger were a few of them. My husband and his mother took me to the hospital for the D&C. They both sat with me in pre-op and were very supporting. My mother in law had a miscarriage before she had Darin, so she knew what I was going through. She has been so supportive through out all of this, along with my entire family. I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful family and such wonderful inlaws. The surgery went fine and I went home that evening. I don't remember much about the next few days, except there was alot of crying going on. I wanted to fool myself into believing this was all a dream. I can remember thinking this is not happening, my baby is fine. But, reality always came back and I had to accept that I had lost my baby. The doctors said it was common to miscarry your first pregnancy and that I would be pregnant soon and I would have a baby. In February, about 2 1/2 months after my D&C, Darin and I were going out on a Friday Night. I had been having cramps all day that day, but didn't think much about because I had just had a period (I thought). Then the cramps became almost unbearable. Darin and I thought maybe something was wrong, so we decided to go to the ER. The doctor took some blood and came back to announce that I was pregnant again. I fell apart. I knew that if I was pregnant, then I was also miscarrying. They did a pelvic exam and confirmed my fears. I was pregnant again and this baby was not going to make it either. I went home that night and began to grieve once again. I went to see my OBGYN and he said he would like to do some minor tests to see if they can find something wrong. He did a pap smear and some blood work. They found nothing wrong. Everything looked normal. After these tests, I made the decision to change doctors. I will not go into alot of details why, but I want to explain briefly. During my first doctor visit when I was losing my first baby, I had a 4:00 appt. I was not seen until 5 and when the doctor finished talking with me, he said he would send the nurse back in to see me and then I could go home. I sat in that room for 20 minutes until Darin finally came in and asked me what I was waiting on. I told him the nurse and he informed me that everyone had gone home. So, I walked out and he was right. We were the only ones left in the office, except for the receptionist. They forgot about me. The nurses at this office were rude at best. My doctor had told the nurse to call me and give me some instructions on some things I needed to be doing at home to prepare for some more tests. She called me and spouted off alot of instructions and while I was busy writing her instructions, I didn't have the opportunity to think. So, when I got off the phone and read over the instructions, I had some questions. I called her back and her response was, " I don't have TIME to be answering your questions. You need to write them down and bring them with you during your next visit." I decided then, it was time to make a change. I found a new doctor who was referred by friends. I went to see him in May and he told me that he had looked at the tests my previous doctor had done and he felt that nothing was wrong. He said he just thought we had bad luck. So, we started trying again. And, in late June, I was pregnant again. My doctor put me on progesterone because he thought that might help. I was having morning sickness, I was feeling tired, and I believed that this baby was the one. No spotting, no cramping, everything was going great. My first appointment was at 8 weeks. Darin and I went together to see the U/S. We just knew we were going to see a heartbeat. I remember telling the nurse how nervous I was. She told me not to worry, that I was going to be the happiest woman there in just a few minutes. They took us in to do the U/S and my nurse was called away to another patient. So, a new nurse who has never seen my chart starts doing my U/S. Then, she asks, "How far along are you?" I told her that I was 8 weeks. She said she didn't see a heartbeat, so we couldn't be 8 weeks. Then, I started balling and she knew something was wrong. I told her that I had miscarried 2 times already and that I knew what was happening. She went to get the doctor. He came in and looked at the U/S and said that he feared we would miscarry again, but he wanted to do bloodwork to be sure. I didn't need the bloodwork, I knew I would lose this baby. My doctor was so wonderful that morning, but there was nothing he could have done to make me feel better. I was devastated once again, but this one hurt more. I wanted a child so bad, so why was this happening? It took me 3 more weeks to actually miscarry this pregnancy. Those 3 weeks were the worst of my life. Until I actually physically miscarried, I held onto the hope that GOD would let me keep this baby. After I finally miscarried, my doctor wanted to see me to talk to me about my options. Once you miscarry 3 times, you are diagnosed with recurrent miscarriages, and he wanted to refer me to a specialist. He did an HSG test to check the shape and size of my uterus and that test was normal. He also did all the blood work. Chromosome tests, progesterone tests, and several other blood tests. All were normal. So, he set up an appt. with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I saw the RE one time and he looked at my previous test results and told me what I've heard over and over. Nothing is wrong, keep trying. So, we did and were pregnant again by February. I miscarried my 4th baby 5 days after I found out I was pregnant. The RE saw me again and told me that he would do a test to see if I had Protein S Deficiency. We did the test, and I tested negative. He told me that he had done all the tests that he knew to do and that there is probably something wrong, but it's something that science has not detected. In other words, they can't figure out what it is. He said there was not much else he could offer me. He also said that I will probably never have a baby. That was a hard pill to swallow. But, I don't believe that to be true. So, here we are, weighing our options. IVF and artificial insemination are not for us. We can get pregnant. We've proven that. We just can't stay pregnant. I have been given the name of a doctor in Memphis, Tennessee who specializes in recurrent miscarriages. Memphis is only 3 hours away, so we're very lucky we won't have to travel far. I haven't called him yet and I don't know why. I can't explain it. I've been searching for the answer for over a year now. Maybe I'm hoping GOD will show me what to do next. I don't know. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe it's time to heal for a while. Maybe it's time to spend a little time thinking about the 4 babies that I've lost. I think of them everyday and when each of their due dates have passed, I have grieved. I have met several wonderful women through support groups on the net. I also have a friend at work who just lost her baby too! Her name is Tammy, and she had a tubal reversal over a year ago and has been struggling trying to conceive. She called me the day she found out her baby died and I cried for her loss like I had when I lost my babies. I know the pain of losing your dreams in an instance all too well. The pain I had been through with my last miscarriage was still fresh in my mind. I knew the hopelessness I heard in Tammy's voice. But, it's nice to have her right here at work. Tammy knows exactly how I feel and it's easier to talk to someone who has felt what you're feeling. Tammy has also been helping me create this website. She's been a big help. I feel like it's time to try and heal from all the pain that I feel inside. I have good days and bad days, but when you lose a baby, there is no way to avoid the daily reminders. Whenever I see a pregnant woman or a new mom with her baby, I want to cry. Whenever I go to see my nephew play baseball, I can imagine being there one day watching our child playing. And, then there's the impatience. I've suffered through 4 miscarriages and now it's my turn to have a baby. Or, at least that's how I feel. I know GOD has a plan for Darin and I, I just can't find the lesson he is teaching us. I believe that if I keep reaching out to him and try to do his will, that he will give us a baby. Update: August 9, 2001: Darin and I went to see an RE in Memphis, TN who specializes in recurrent miscarriage. He did a hysteroscopy and found that there is no blood flow to the top of my uterus. He feels as if this may be the cause of the miscarriages. He has scheduled surgery for August 16th to correct the problem and restore blood flow. August 15, 2001: I lost my grandfather today tragically to suicide. He had been struggling with some mental illness for the past year and he just couldn't hold on any longer. We are so devastated. I decided to postpone my surgery, but my grandmother insisted that I go have it done. We drove the 3 hour drive to Memphis and arrived there at about 10:30 pm. I have to be at the surgery center tomorrow at 6 am. August 16,2001: I don't remember very much about the day, but I had the surgery and the RE said it was a success. He said we could start trying to conceive in two months. December 2001: We're pregnant again, but our hopes and dreams are shattered again on Christmas Eve. We're having another miscarriage. This was the worst one yet. I began to realize that I will probably never carry a child. I began to feel hopeless and didn't know what to do. Where do we go from here? How are we ever going to have children? So many questions. Early January 2002: After doing some research and lots of discussions between Darin and Myself, we've decided to adopt a child from either the Ukraine or Russia. We have our first appointment with the adoption agency in Birmingham, AL on January 18th. We are very nervous and excited. Please go to our adoption page where I will be keeping a journal of our journey through the adoption process. Maybe it was God's plan for us to help and orphan. Maybe that was the purpose of all our losses. He needed our angels in heaven, while the orphans needed us. |
A MOM WANNABE I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't. I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly. I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become Heavy Burdens". I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it", but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us. I want to be a mom, but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status. From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be. Alison Kathleen Whitney |
This was a gift from my internet friend Lisa. Please read about her journey at http://www.myhealingjourney.homestead.com/welcome2.html |
ON THE WINGS OF A PRAYER Just close your eyes and open your heart And feel your worries and cares depart, Just yield yourself to our Father above And let Him hold you, secure in His love, For llfe on earth grows more involved With endless problems that can't be solved. But God only asks us to do our best, Then He will take over and finish the rest. So when you are tired, discouraged and blue, There is always one door that is open to you And that is the door to the house of prayer, And you'll find God waiting to meet you there, And the house of prayer is no further away Than the quiet spot where you kneel and pray, For the heart is a temple when God is there, As we place ourselves in His loving care, And He hears our prayers and answers each one When we pray in His name, 'Thy will be done'. The burdens that seemed too heavy to bear Are lifted away, on the wings of a prayer. By Helen Steiner Rice |
This is the story of our 5 pregnancy losses |